Everybody has ‘em, everybody hates ‘em. But if you’re like me, you can’t ever think of ‘em when somebody asks you. So here’s a list from which to choose the next time you’re on a first date and trying to find something to talk about to ease that nervous tension.
1) When people ask what time it is, and you’re not wearing a watch or carrying your cell phone.
2) When men hock a loogie. So unbelievable gross and unnatural. Five words: Go back to your cave.
3) When people lick their whole finger after eating.
4) When your seat belt locks as you lean forward to sing the radio song with your girlfriends.
5) When your underwear gets stretched out.
6) When you’re wearing white shorts and Aunt Flow comes without warning.
7) When you realize you only shaved one armpit or missed a strip on your leg.
8) When you’re staying over at a friend’s house and her clock ticks keep you awake.
9) When you’re too short to go on a roller coaster…at 23 years old.
10) When your bust button continually unpops, even though you’re a size 32A.
11) When you get a day off, but your boss calls you in to pick up a shift.
12) When your heel breaks on a first date… or on any date.
13) When you forget to pluck the rogue neck hair you inherited. Thank you, Grandma.
14) When people in front of you walk too slowly and seem to need a blinker.
15) When you’re awoken on a Saturday by a lawnmower or trash truck.
16) When you’re laughing while sipping wine and some burbles from your mouth onto your blouse.
17) When the sun dries your car too quickly as you’re trying to wash it and now you have “clean” streaks.
18) When the little old church lady who never got her opera career sits right behind you and the Cantor is tone-deaf.
19) When you take out your stud earring and it falls down the drain, despite your clawing at the sink to catch it.
20) When the bra that finally fits you goes out of production 6 months after you buy it. At this rate, your next acceptable underwire is due in 15 years.
21) When people scream, “It’s so good to see you,” as you hug them.
22) When people talk in the movie theater.
23) When people interrupt your story-telling with their own experiences.
24) When your roommate takes the lunch you were saving because she leaves earlier than you.
25) When you tie up the trash to take out, but forget it upon leaving.
26) When you order “water with no ice” and the waitress brings you “water with ice.”
27) When you don’t have enough money to feed the meter and have to put $0.85 on your debit card.
28) When there’s a pause in the phone conversation and you wonder, “Did they hang up?”
29) When two people start talking at the same time on the phone, so you both pause, then because it’s silent, both start talking again making the same mistake of verbally crashing. It’s an endless cycle.
30) When the person in front of you at the grocery store has a full cart and you only have 5 items. (Sometimes, I ask if I can go ahead, and just suck up the stink eye.)